Hello. My name is Harl and I'm an alcoholic.

That's a lie. There have been times when I've wished I could hide in a bottle, and that includes some fairly recent times, but the fact is, I get no kick from champagne. Nor do I get much enjoyment from marijuana, or any other common recreational drug.

Well, Almost

I do like speed a little, but not a lot. I have remitting, relapsing clinical depression, and they've tried all the various anti-depressants on me. The tri-cyclics put me to sleep, and when you're unable to sleep, getting 18 hours of sleep for two weeks in a row will make you feel better. Otherwise, the only anti-depressants that have worked very well at all have been stimulants. Ritalin does a little bit. Dexadrine is better. When I take Ritalin, there's a "jolt" when it kicks in, and then kicks out again, and I hate that.

Dexadrine is "smoother". When I take Dex, it's like climbing onto a bicycle, and racing at high speed. I can go places and do things, and my mind works, except that after about five days of that, all of a sudden I get fairly nasty to be around, nasty enough that even I notice it, and then I take a look at where I've been and what I've done, and frankly, I don't think it's been very useful. I don't show very good judgment when I'm on Dex.

I woke up in a Soho doorway
A policeman knew my name
He said "You can go sleep at home tonight
If you can get up and walk away"

I staggered back to the underground
And the breeze blew back my hair
I remember throwin' punches around
And preachin' from my chair

Problematic In Another Way

And it's a pain to get. When I was on Dex, there wasn't a pharmacy in the county that was willing to obtain it for me. I had to go to a small drugstore in a small town in the next county, and they were willing to sell it, and I always worried that someone was looking over my shoulder, was about to arrest me for having scheduled medications, and was going to send my shrink and my pharmacist to prison for giving me the only medication that really did anything for my disease.

And don't think "well, it's just depression." Depression is a serious illness that is fatal about a third of the time. When they came out with Prozac, it was viewed as a miracle drug, except that in the decades since, the number of people dying from depression has actually substantially increased. The scientologists say that the psychiatrists are all full of baloney, and half the time I agree with them, not because the scientologists have anything of validity to offer, but psychiatry is simply a science without much science to it. We don't know what we're dealing with, and we don't know how to cure it.

What IS a Quack, Anyway?

Of those people being hospitalized for depression, something like 70% are hospitalized a second time. Of those hospitalized a second time, something like 80% are hospitalized a third time. And when you consider that a third of those with depression kill themselves, you know why it's a miracle that 80% survive long enough to be admitted to the loonie bin again.

But let's go back and look at that other issue. Addiction, and yes, alcoholism is an addiction. The best treatment we have for addictive disorders are the 12-step programs, and they have about a 20% success rate. But do they actually succeed? I'm not an alcoholic, or otherwise chemically dependent, so I've never been through the 12-step programs, and I'm not qualified to judge whether they work or not for those 20%.

I took the tube back out of town
Back to the Rollin' Pin
I felt a little like a dying clown
With a streak of Rin Tin Tin

I stretched back and I hiccupped
And looked back on my busy day
Eleven hours in the Tin Pan
God, there's got to be another way

So Do They Work?

If you're a drug addict or an alcoholic, there is a powerful urge to consume the agent you abuse. Therapists argue that many alcoholics are actually self-medicating depressives. Is that hiding in a bottle? Why are those people able to hide in a bottle when the rest of us are denied that relief, that surcease, from the pain of depression.

If you've been paying any attention to the ads on your television, you'd know that one pharmaceutical company is pointing out that depression hurts and that their medication provides some relief. Various discussions, over the years, have been held over the ethics of assisted suicide. It surprises many to realize that suicide is legal is all 50 states. In a few jurisdictions, homicide is defined as taking a human life, and theoretically, that law could be used to prosecute attempted suicide, but in most jurisdictions - including Pennsylvania - homicide is defined as the taking of another human's life.

George Carlin Had A Point

George Carlin used to point out that sex was legal and sales were legal, so prostitution should be legal as well. We might equally argue that suicide is legal, and being helpful in a lawful activity is otherwise legal, so assisted suicide should be legal as well.

And the arguments in favor of assisted suicide seem to distinguish between someone with an incurable physical disorder that causes physical pain, and someone with a mental disorder. That's not reasonable, though. All pain occurs between your ears, and the pain of a mental disorder may be substantially greater than any physical ailment you've ever experienced.

Shortly before my fifth birthday, I was sexually abused and attacked. The terminology such people use to refer to themselves and others similarly situated is survivor. The programs used to treat survivors are similar to, although not the same as, the twelve-step programs. The first step of the program is to recognize that you're a survivor - which is, for many of us, quite a difficult step. It's not something you want to accept, that someone could do such a thing to a child - and that you, yourself, could be a victim because these is, for some reason, something wrong with you that someone would do this to you.

I know there's a place you walked
Where love falls from the trees
My heart is like a broken cup
I only feel right on my knees

I spit out like a sewer hole
Yet still recieve your kiss
How can I measure up to anyone now
After such a love as this?

Struggling To Survive

For years, I worked at treating myself for the damage done to me as a child. I bought into the concept that being a survivor is something that cannot be cured, just as an member of Alcoholics Anonymous is told that he will always be an alcoholic, but that he can regain control of his life by not drinking.

Finally, I realized that it was a load of bunkum. Some people are recovering alcoholics every day of their lives, for half a century. Others recover from alcoholism for five or ten years, and then move on. They aren't drinkers, but they cease being alcoholics, and they are instead plumbers or bowlers or fathers or musicians.

So, Who Are YOU?

You define who you are. You define who you are. And if it's necessary for you to define yourself as a recovering alcoholic in order to keep from drinking, I wouldn't want to stop you from doing that, but the fact is, if you are open to the possibility, you can be whatever you want to me.

My name is Harl, and I used to be a recovering survivor. These days, I'm a great-grandpa, and a dog lover, and a husband, and a gimp, and a depressive, and a pianist, and a programmer, a photographer and a writer.

So, who are you?

Other Bloggers On Related Topics:
12-step programs - abuse survivor - Alcoholics Anonymous - Dexedrine - DSM - George Carlin - Prozac - Ritalin - scientology - suicide